Saturday, 3 May 2014


Yes, JOE is back up for your comedic viewing pleasure... I don't really care if JOE has seen it or not... So JOE, if you are currently reading this, AVERT YOUR EYES!!!



Finally! The moment you have all been waiting for (or maybe not), the post about Joe. But where to start? How about I start right at the beginning. Ok, so when 2 people love each other very very much they do a dance together that makes a baby for them. (Too early?) Ok how about instead we start at the beginning of grade 9...? Much better, Ok so at my school they have this thing that they call Grade 9 Weekend which is a night where if you're in grade 9 you sleep over at my school and you have a dance and you get to do "FUN" outdoor activities... (NOT FUN). Anyway, at this thing is where I met Joe (the theme was Olympics and we were in the same "country") At this point I just had a normal grade 9 crush on this (NOT willingly admitted) cute, kind of funny and sarcastic guy (EESH!) and I had NO IDEA where  it would put me one and a half years from then. And there was also already a problem with Joe, he was with someone (who would later become one of my friends). Then this girl (We will call her Kelly) broke up with Joe because he "cheated" on her (high school definition of cheating) and this should of been one of the MANY red flags.. but I did not pick up on it at the time.

Ok so. Joe one day apparently "forgot" my name in French class (yes I am Canadian and yes I am FORCED to learn French) and he decided that I looked like a Britney of all names he had to choose the sluttiest name besides Crystal or Rose or Boner Garage (We're the Millers joke). Anyway so from thereon out my name to him and my friends (and parts of my family jokingly) I was now Britney. (Still hate that name)

So after a year of crushing, It was September of grade 10 and Joe was in my arts and crafts class (BEST class ever!!) and this class is where I became friends with Joe, (after he asked me for my number) and we texted and texted and texted... and it was during all this texting that I learned everything there was to know about Joe. And since I am not using Joe's real name, I can tell you all what he told me. The second (of the MANY) red flags I encountered while texting Joe was that he was not "pure" and his partner in un-purifying was 12 at the time (we will name her Sammy)… if that was not a HUGE red flag against him, I don’t know what is. (my mum is going to kill me if she reads this for not telling her).


November 1 2013- The Day that the S**t hit the fan.
So finally came the day that changed my life (or the day the s**t hit the fan), November 1 2013. The day that I became Joe's girlfriend. It was a normal morning after Halloween. I was tired, and was getting over a sugar hangover. I then woke up to my friend, Marley telling me that Joe told her he liked me. I, of course freaked out! (A real guy actually liked me!! Woo Hoo!) and then I remembered that Joe had a girlfriend, And just as I was pondering that, I got a text from Joe, saying: "I need to ask you something" and then it went on to me telling him I liked him and him saying that he liked me too and that he was going to break up with Sammy that morning. So I then went to school, not really knowing what was going to happen. When I got to school, I tried to avoid him as much as I could (I have no idea why, maybe my body was saying BAD IDEA by making me hide from him, yet another red flag of which I did not pay attention to. So I successfully avoided him and went to class… Next thing I know, while I'm sitting in my civics class (being bored to death) I get a text from, you guessed it: Joe. It was him asking me out over text (classy huh?) yeah so anyway I did what every 15 year old girl would've done in this particular situation. I went to the bathroom and screamed in excitement (lame I know). I then texted Marley and I am guessing she was freaking out too (nobody knows with her she could've done anything from going outside and doing some strange dance of fertility to screaming (most likely one) to maybe not even caring). Oh yeah and if you didn’t already guess, I said yes to him (BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER).

The First Kiss.
It had been a week, and we decided to go on our first real date together. So we went to his youth group (SO MUCH FUN)! And at said youth group *side note: I don’t go to church, I'm not religious at all and I think god is made up. Oh yeah and I think church people are creepily nice (like, nobody is willingly THAT nice).*  he decided that the perfect place for my first kiss would be in a dark corner of a church while playing hide and seek in the dark. (my mum is going to yet again KILL ME after she finishes reading this so if I don’t post anything else it's because I'm dead). Anyway, you probably don’t want to hear the so called "deets" so I'm not going to bore you with them.

Hickeys, Hickeys, Hickeys.
Hickeys suck (hehe). Trust me I know, I've had 5 (I think) of them. For some strange reason Joe thought they were the best things ever or something and he REALLY liked giving them to me (it felt like I was being bitten by a vampire only I had a pimply, blond 15 year old sucking on my neck and Bella had a 100-something year old gorgeous vampire  sucking on hers, NOT FAIR). By this time I was beginning to develop quite a reputation (when you are 15 walking down the hall of high school with a hickey on your neck, you get some funny sideways looks and weirdly some nods of approval from the "sluts" NOT GOOD.) This is when I started to second guess my relationship and started to weigh the pros and cons in my best interests (BORING). One last thing to add to this topic: If any of you happen to get a hickey (whether it be from a boyfriend, girlfriend, cat, yourself or a small elf you keep in your closet for some reason… Whatever Floats Your Boat) DO NOT LET ANYBODY SEE IT!!! It leads to lectures, your stepmonster offering to take you to buy condoms, eternal shame and looks of disapproval from your mother.


Hit The Road, Jack (or Joe)
This, the final part to the horror story of my first relationship is when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is when I started to come to the realization that Joe and me were over. And I knew that in the end I would be doing the breaking up…  So as I was contemplating on when, where, why and how it would happen I happened to be dealing with a lot of culminating tasks, exam preparation, I was still dealing with Joes petty problems… and on top of it all just making me THAT much more stressed was that my father had decided that I needed a stepmonster (they were getting married) WOO HOO *SO MUCH SARCASM*!! Overall at this time I was going through a lot, and even though I was Joe's 24/7 counsellor he couldn’t be bothered with helping me with my many problems. He had a way of somehow (it still to this day confuses me how exactly he did it EVERY time but he did) making all my problems related to him and I then was forced to throw a little pity party for him because apparently he  had nothing and his life sucked and blah blah blah… Again, I was thinking to myself that maybe I was a ghost or a unicorn or if I was some sort of shoe-making elf because apparently I was still NOTHING. This just gave me those last little nudges I needed to be on the edge of the theoretical cliff of dumping him (I don’t know, I'm bad at analogies).

The Last Straw.
The thing that pushed me "over the theoretical cliff of dumping him" was as you know January 9 2014. (you remember the whole attempting to kill himself with the pink belt in front of me thing right)?  And if you don’t, go read "My January." It will help to understand this thing better. Anyway, so I have been informed that I should be going into more detail with the second half of the day… So I will go into as much detail as I can recollect at this point. Ok so I left off at when I was going home to check up on his whiny ass and instead of my boyfriend I found a whimpering baby on my couch… so apparently he had "tried" (to kill himself) while he was alone. At this point I had gotten him sitting up on the couch and he could sort of talk, so I asked him why he felt he needed to and I think it was too soon and he turned into the whimpering baby again, (it's really hard to make this funny) Now I noticed that there was a "Note" (a note that people leave) on the counter and I decided I did not need to read it so I ripped it up (big mistake). When I turned around again, he was getting up and saying that "it was dark, so dark" and he was picking up the belt again, so naturally I did the only thing that came to my mind at the time and "pounced" on him so he could not get any further and he kicked and screamed and he tried to hit me a couple of times (but all those years of dodging my brother paid off here) and I was unharmed physically. I then called my mum on my cell phone and she called the police who then called me and I talked to the dispatcher pretending it was my mum so he wouldn’t get freaked out and my grandpa, of all people came. And he was *surprisingly* (he is losing his marbles) calm.  Then the police came and I can't really remember what happened next it's all blurry when I try to. So that is the story of Joe. Hope you enjoyed it! :) 

No comments:

Post a Comment