Friday, 20 March 2015

How to identify a hipster.

As I was walking down the city streets of downtown Toronto, my eccentric mother asks "what is a hipster?" I laugh, and reply "dearest mother, a hipster is an individual who tries to be different and refuses to "conform" or fit into a group of people. While that is not a true assumption. They fall into a group all their own, The Hipsters."


I. "The Look"

Hipsters can be seen wearing the following: 
        • beanies 
        • doc martens
        • ripped jeans or rolled up chinos
        • mustaches and beards are popular for the men
        • other utilitarian boots
        • strange flat shoes that i do not know the name of
        • "douche" haircut (shaved sides, floppy bit on top)
        • MORE PLAID
        • unkempt appearance, "just-got-out-of-bed-and-I'm-homeless-chic"
        • skinny jeans for men, baggy "mom jeans" complete with pleats for women
        • hoodies, probably american apparel.
        • HIPSTER GLASSES (glasses with thick frames and a sort of block-y, geometric appearance)
        • cigarettes (all.the.time)
        • messenger bag filled with records of random indie bands, more cigarettes, some sort of apple device, something vintage probably, money (it is still unclear as to where hipsters get money from), journal (full of brooding thoughts and comics depicting corporate greed), a couple pens.
        • tattoos 
        • often carrying some sort of local Starbucks spin-off drink.
        • constantly wearing hats
        • scarves they knitted themselves

II. "Where to Spot a wild Hipster in it's natural Habitat"

Hipsters are typically seen in one of 3 places:
        1. Concerts, of Indie bands that *shhh* don't actually exist
        2. Aforementioned "Starbucks spin-offs" and other coffee-house-like I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.A.N.T food eatery.
        3. In their equally hipster-ized lofts, complete with wooden rafters and all the vintage doohickeys you can imagine!

III. "The Rules"

There are very strict hipster rules, to be in this group that has formed out of people who claim to be independent and refuse to "conform" to someone else's ideas... Hmmm... Makes perfect sense *she types with some sarcastic sass*.

        • DO NOT be happy that you're favorite "band" (they actually don't exist) won... anything. No record contracts. no recognition, no nothing. You just want them to be eternally struggling and practicing in their garages.
        • DO NOT CONFORM
        • HATE MAJOR CORPORATIONS... except for apple, apple is life.
        • DO NOT shower... ever... seriously. (If you do happen to get clean somehow, go outside and roll in a mud puddle, to achieve that "authentic" look.
        • ALWAYS drink obscure alcohol brands that may or may not have WHMIS labels on them... :/
        • PENCILS ARE MAINSTREAM. pens, however are widely accepted among the hipster community, because of their obvious individuality.
        • RECYCLE, SAVE THE PLANET always.
        • IF YOU OWN a car, you are contributing to the major oil companies success, instead, the hipsters suggest you ride a USED bike, yes, even in the winter. Have fun.
        • ALWAYS have records and a record player (because.. vintage), even though you're obscure "bands" don't make records, and you actually listen to their music on your BRAND NEW TOTALLY NOT MAINSTREAM IPHONE 6+.
        • IF you are a man, you must have a mustache and a massive beard.
        • GET (or make) a journal, to write all your brooding hipster thoughts in.
        • DO NOT take your hat off indoors 
        • In your "hipster home" you must have at least an entire forest's equivalent of exposed wood throughout home.
        • NEVER look happy, if you smile, you will be shunned from the hipster community.
        • as part of your initiation into the hipster community, you will be required to knit a scarf.
And that, is an extensive guide to finding and identifying your very own hipster!

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely fabulous... from the eccentric mother mentioned. Looks like I was part hipster before it was even a thing to be :P