Yes, JOE is back up for your comedic viewing pleasure... I don't really care if JOE has seen it or not... So JOE, if you are currently reading this, AVERT YOUR EYES!!!
JOE.
PART ONE
INTRODUCTION
Finally!
The moment you have all been waiting for (or maybe not), the post about Joe.
But where to start? How about I start right at the beginning. Ok, so when 2
people love each other very very much they do a dance together that makes a
baby for them. (Too early?) Ok how about instead we start at the beginning of
grade 9...? Much better, Ok so at my school they have this thing that they call
Grade 9 Weekend which is a night
where if you're in grade 9 you sleep over at my school and you have a dance and
you get to do "FUN" outdoor activities... (NOT FUN). Anyway, at this
thing is where I met Joe (the theme was Olympics and we were in the same
"country") At this point I just had a normal grade 9 crush on this
(NOT willingly admitted) cute, kind of funny and sarcastic guy (EESH!) and I
had NO IDEA where it would put me one and a half years from
then. And there was also already a problem with Joe, he was with someone (who
would later become one of my friends). Then this girl (We will call her Kelly)
broke up with Joe because he "cheated" on her (high school definition
of cheating) and this should of been one of the MANY red flags.. but I did not pick up on it at the time.
THE BRITNEY APPROXIMATION.
Ok
so. Joe one day apparently
"forgot" my name in French class (yes I am Canadian and yes I am
FORCED to learn French) and he decided that I looked like a Britney of all
names he had to choose the sluttiest name besides Crystal or Rose or Boner
Garage (We're the Millers joke).
Anyway so from thereon out my name to him and my friends (and parts of my
family jokingly) I was now Britney.
(Still hate that name)
ABOUT A YEAR LATER...
So
after a year of crushing, It was September of grade 10 and Joe was in my arts
and crafts class (BEST class ever!!) and this class is where I became friends
with Joe, (after he asked me for my number) and we texted and texted and
texted... and it was during all this texting that I learned everything there
was to know about Joe. And since I am not using Joe's real name, I can tell you
all what he told me. The second (of the MANY) red flags I encountered while
texting Joe was that he was not "pure" and his partner in
un-purifying was 12 at the time (we will name her Sammy)… if that was not a
HUGE red flag against him, I don’t know what is. (my mum is going to kill me if
she reads this for not telling her).
PART TWO
November 1 2013- The Day
that the S**t hit the fan.
So
finally came the day that changed my life (or the day the s**t hit the fan),
November 1 2013. The day that I became Joe's girlfriend. It was a normal
morning after Halloween. I was tired, and was getting over a sugar hangover. I
then woke up to my friend, Marley telling me that Joe told her he liked me. I,
of course freaked out! (A real guy actually liked me!! Woo Hoo!) and then I
remembered that Joe had a girlfriend, And just as I was pondering that, I got a
text from Joe, saying: "I need to ask you something" and then it went
on to me telling him I liked him and him saying that he liked me too and that
he was going to break up with Sammy that morning. So I then went to school, not
really knowing what was going to happen. When I got to school, I tried to avoid
him as much as I could (I have no idea why, maybe my body was saying BAD IDEA
by making me hide from him, yet another red flag of which I did not pay
attention to. So I successfully avoided him and went to class… Next thing I
know, while I'm sitting in my civics class (being bored to death) I get a text
from, you guessed it: Joe. It was him asking me out over text (classy huh?)
yeah so anyway I did what every 15 year old girl would've done in this
particular situation. I went to the bathroom and screamed in excitement (lame I
know). I then texted Marley and I am guessing she was freaking out too (nobody
knows with her she could've done anything from going outside and doing some
strange dance of fertility to screaming (most likely one) to maybe not even
caring). Oh yeah and if you didn’t already guess, I said yes to him (BIGGEST
MISTAKE EVER).
The First Kiss.
It
had been a week, and we decided to go on our first real date together. So we
went to his youth group (SO MUCH FUN)! And at said youth group *side note: I
don’t go to church, I'm not religious at all and I think god is made up. Oh
yeah and I think church people are creepily nice (like, nobody is willingly THAT nice).* he decided that the perfect place for my first
kiss would be in a dark corner of a church while playing hide and seek in the
dark. (my mum is going to yet again
KILL ME after she finishes reading this so if I don’t post anything else it's
because I'm dead). Anyway, you probably don’t want to hear the so called
"deets" so I'm not going to bore you with them.
Hickeys, Hickeys, Hickeys.
Hickeys
suck (hehe). Trust me I know, I've had 5 (I think) of them. For some strange
reason Joe thought they were the best things ever or something and he REALLY liked
giving them to me (it felt like I was being bitten by a vampire only I had a
pimply, blond 15 year old sucking on my neck and Bella had a 100-something year
old gorgeous vampire sucking on hers, NOT FAIR). By this
time I was beginning to develop quite a reputation (when you are 15 walking
down the hall of high school with a hickey on your neck, you get some funny
sideways looks and weirdly some nods of approval from the "sluts" NOT
GOOD.) This is when I started to second guess my relationship and started to
weigh the pros and cons in my best interests (BORING). One last thing to add to
this topic: If any of you happen to get a hickey (whether it be from a
boyfriend, girlfriend, cat, yourself or a small elf you keep in your closet for
some reason… Whatever Floats Your Boat) DO NOT LET ANYBODY SEE IT!!! It leads
to lectures, your stepmonster offering to take you to buy condoms, eternal
shame and looks of disapproval from your mother.
PART THREE
Hit The Road, Jack (or Joe)
This,
the final part to the horror story of my first relationship is when I started
to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is when I started to come to
the realization that Joe and me were over. And I knew that in the end I would
be doing the breaking up… So as I was
contemplating on when, where, why and how it would happen I happened to be dealing
with a lot of culminating tasks, exam preparation, I was still dealing with
Joes petty problems… and on top of it all just making me THAT much more
stressed was that my father had decided that I needed a stepmonster (they were
getting married) WOO HOO *SO MUCH SARCASM*!! Overall at this time I was going
through a lot, and even though I was Joe's 24/7 counsellor he couldn’t be
bothered with helping me with my many problems.
He had a way of somehow (it still to this day confuses me how exactly he did it
EVERY time but he did) making all my problems related to him and I then was
forced to throw a little pity party for him because apparently he had nothing and his life sucked and blah blah
blah… Again, I was thinking to myself that maybe I was a ghost or a unicorn or
if I was some sort of shoe-making elf because apparently I was still NOTHING.
This just gave me those last little nudges I needed to be on the edge of the
theoretical cliff of dumping him (I don’t know, I'm bad at analogies).
The Last Straw.
The
thing that pushed me "over the theoretical cliff of dumping him" was
as you know January 9 2014. (you remember the whole attempting to kill himself
with the pink belt in front of me thing right)? And if you don’t, go read "My January." It will help to understand this thing
better. Anyway, so I have been informed that I should be going into more detail
with the second half of the day… So I will go into as much detail as I can
recollect at this point. Ok so I left off at when I was going home to check up
on his whiny ass and instead of my boyfriend I found a whimpering baby on my
couch… so apparently he had "tried" (to kill himself) while he was
alone. At this point I had gotten him sitting up on the couch and he could sort
of talk, so I asked him why he felt he needed to and I think it was too soon
and he turned into the whimpering baby again, (it's really hard to make this
funny) Now I noticed that there was a "Note" (a note that people leave) on the counter and I decided I
did not need to read it so I ripped it up (big mistake). When I turned around
again, he was getting up and saying that "it was dark, so dark" and
he was picking up the belt again, so naturally I did the only thing that came
to my mind at the time and "pounced" on him so he could not get any
further and he kicked and screamed and he tried to hit me a couple of times
(but all those years of dodging my brother paid off here) and I was unharmed
physically. I then called my mum on my cell phone and she called the police who
then called me and I talked to the dispatcher pretending it was my mum so he
wouldn’t get freaked out and my grandpa, of all people came. And he was
*surprisingly* (he is losing his marbles) calm.
Then the police came and I can't really remember what happened next it's
all blurry when I try to. So that is the story of Joe. Hope you enjoyed it! :)
